"If you understood everything I said, you'd be me" - Miles Davis
"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge." - Bertrand Russell
"Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government." - Lenny Bruce
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!" - Homer Simpson

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RT @pattonoswalt: I hope @MarsCuriosity finally confirms or denies Elton John's statements re: surface temperature & child-rearing s ...
RT @pattonoswalt I hope @MarsCuriosity finally confirms or denies Elton John's statements re: surface temperature & child-rearing s ...

Twitter Sun, 05 Aug 2012 22:37:20
Tweet 232364716566134784

RT @DamonLindelof: The skill set required to achieve one's yellow belt has changed significantly.
RT @DamonLindelof The skill set required to achieve one's yellow belt has changed significantly. Take that!

Twitter Tue, 28 Feb 2012 03:40:49
Tweet 174331756097441792

RT @djweir: They have cards for everything, including existential anghst
RT @djweir They have cards for everything, including existential anghst Life, don't talk to me about life...

Twitter Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:08:27
Tweet 172956037870133248

RT @badbanana: What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.
RT @badbanana What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

Twitter Wed, 22 Feb 2012 08:10:31
Tweet 172352579769081856

RT @thekillabits: The Beach Boys need harder sidechaining, I can't hear these kicks for shit.
RT @thekillabits The Beach Boys need harder sidechaining, I can't hear these kicks for shit.

Twitter Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:15:12
Tweet 168895973140086785

kinda cranky, kinda cranky, HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THAT, better now, kinda cranky, kinda cranky, THERE IT IS AGAIN
kinda cranky, kinda cranky, HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THAT, better now, kinda cranky, kinda cranky, THERE IT IS AGAIN Baby's Primal Terror

Twitter Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:12:25
Tweet 162070301528690688

Of course Mountain Dew can dissolve dead mice, you don't think I drink it for the taste?
Of course Mountain Dew can dissolve dead mice, you don't think I drink it for the taste?

Twitter Sat, 07 Jan 2012 22:11:24
Tweet 155894351124377600

RT @philipreeve1: Xmas story idea: IT'S A TERRIBLE LIFE: angel leads hero around his hometown & shows him how much better it would be if ...
RT @philipreeve1 Xmas story idea: IT'S A TERRIBLE LIFE: angel leads hero around his hometown & shows him how much better it would be if ...

Twitter Sun, 18 Dec 2011 07:56:11
Tweet 148431371977764864

RT @christaland: Look, if your employees are unwilling to discuss neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light, maybe don't call i ...
RT @christaland Look, if your employees are unwilling to discuss neutrinos traveling faster than the speed of light, maybe don't call i ...

Twitter Sat, 08 Oct 2011 19:44:46
Tweet 122755177865420800

RT @johnmoe: My Somewhat Corrupt Southern Authority Figure costume is fantastic. This year's Durning Man is gonna be awesome.
RT @johnmoe My Somewhat Corrupt Southern Authority Figure costume is fantastic. This year's Durning Man is gonna be awesome.

Twitter Sat, 08 Oct 2011 11:44:31
Tweet 122759295619178496

RT @DRUNKHULK: THIS BABY FOOD DIET AWFUL! DRUNK HULK PREFER FOOD THAT NO CRY ALL TIME!
RT @DRUNKHULK THIS BABY FOOD DIET AWFUL! DRUNK HULK PREFER FOOD THAT NO CRY ALL TIME!

Twitter Wed, 15 Jun 2011 06:26:45
Tweet 81004722793889792

Said That, She Did #actresstothebishop
Said That, She Did .. YodaLayHeeHoo .. #actresstothebishop

Twitter Thu, 09 Jun 2011 05:46:32
Tweet 78820273847144448

PeanutTweeter #goodgrief
PeanutTweeter .. PeanutTweeter .. #goodgrief

Twitter Thu, 09 Jun 2011 13:58:40
Tweet 78823199520985091

RT @pattonoswalt - Jack Kevorkian, dead at 84. Guess it's up to me now.
RT @pattonoswalt - Jack Kevorkian, dead at 84. Guess it's up to me now.

Twitter Fri, 03 Jun 2011 23:46:14
Tweet 76917662889947137

RT @hodgman: "Prominent Ragnarok denier Dr. Elliot Kalan writes: “OK, I admit it. A giant squid with a human mouth just crushed my house ...
RT @hodgman "Prominent Ragnarok denier Dr. Elliot Kalan writes: “OK, I admit it. A giant squid with a human mouth just crushed my house ...

Twitter Wed, 01 Jun 2011 00:21:40
Tweet 75839417503318017

RT @thebenbrooks: Now that Bin Laden is dead I feel bad for all those Calvin car stickers with nothing to piss on.
RT @thebenbrooks Now that Bin Laden is dead I feel bad for all those Calvin car stickers with nothing to piss on.

Twitter Wed, 25 May 2011 02:44:04
Tweet 73217493342240768

RT @timminchin: Did you know: 75 million years ago today, God whisked all the good little dinosaurs away to heaven. #velocirapture
RT @timminchin Did you know: 75 million years ago today, God whisked all the good little dinosaurs away to heaven. #velocirapture

Twitter Sat, 21 May 2011 07:34:21
Tweet 71962039274311684

RT @danielmaier: People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.
RT @danielmaier People are making Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Twitter Sat, 21 May 2011 07:49:35
Tweet 71965873170165761

RT @crankfetter: I don't hate reality. I just try not to spend too much time there.
RT @crankfetter I don't hate reality. I just try not to spend too much time there.

Twitter Fri, 20 May 2011 19:41:39
Tweet 71782679049273345

RT @crankfetter: All this rapture talk is making the demon who possesses me uncomfortable. (He made me type that.)
RT @crankfetter All this rapture talk is making the demon who possesses me uncomfortable. (He made me type that.)

Twitter Sun, 15 May 2011 13:24:54
Tweet 69875930398605312

Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored Scope Mouthwash
Doritos Nacho Cheese Flavored Scope Mouthwash .. Doritos Nacho Cheese Mouthwash ..

Twitter Thu, 12 May 2011 06:25:54
Tweet 68683319197437954

RT @johnmoe: Steals roommates Cheez-Its. Totally blames theft on Israel. #binLadenTapes
RT @johnmoe Steals roommates Cheez-Its. Totally blames theft on Israel. #binLadenTapes

Twitter Mon, 09 May 2011 05:07:24
Tweet 67576402345594880

RT @tjcrowley: I am pleased to announce that I have figured out Lady Gaga. She's totally a Batman villain.
RT @tjcrowley I am pleased to announce that I have figured out Lady Gaga. She's totally a Batman villain.

Twitter Sun, 08 May 2011 20:19:48
Tweet 67443628439642112

RT @crankfetter: I have high double standards.
RT @crankfetter I have high double standards.

Twitter Tue, 03 May 2011 18:13:16
Tweet 65599845817257984

RT @billyharrell: Rethinking many aspects of my life after realizing I found out Bin Laden was dead via Kim Kardashian's twitter feed.
RT @billyharrell Rethinking many aspects of my life after realizing I found out Bin Laden was dead via Kim Kardashian's twitter feed.

Twitter Sun, 01 May 2011 23:22:36
Tweet 64952916884209664

RT @me_irl: Beloved character actor Osama bin Laden, star of TV's "Fox News", dies age 54
RT @me_irl Beloved character actor Osama bin Laden, star of TV's "Fox News", dies age 54

Twitter Sun, 01 May 2011 23:18:55
Tweet 64951987258662912

RT @Slashleen: Sometimes it's astounding how much chocolate flavored soap you have to eat to make the voices stop.
RT @Slashleen Sometimes it's astounding how much chocolate flavored soap you have to eat to make the voices stop.

Twitter Sat, 19 Mar 2011 13:07:16
Tweet 49094545882890240

RT @daviddlevine: It puts the lime in the coconut or it gets the hose.
RT @daviddlevine It puts the lime in the coconut or it gets the hose.

Twitter Mon, 07 Mar 2011 00:38:40
Tweet 44678337825751040

RT @johnmoe: "Who am I wearing tonight? The pelts of my enemies." - Natalie Portman #oscars
RT @johnmoe "Who am I wearing tonight? The pelts of my enemies." - Natalie Portman #oscars

Twitter Sun, 27 Feb 2011 13:45:35
Tweet 41977267169144832

RT @johnmoe: You should look at INTERNET. It is filled up with HOME PAGE WEB SITES.
RT @johnmoe You should look at INTERNET. It is filled up with HOME PAGE WEB SITES.

Twitter Thu, 24 Feb 2011 23:58:45
Tweet 41044413950083072