"If you understood everything I said, you'd be me" - Miles Davis
"There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge." - Bertrand Russell
"Take away the right to say fuck and you take away the right to say fuck the government." - Lenny Bruce
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!" - Homer Simpson

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Das is gut
bernd the bread

For those of you in our viewing audience unfamiliar with the world of German children's television, "Bernd the Bread" is a 'maniacally depressed' loaf of bread who hates sheep and bushes and loves to stare at the wallpaper. I think he would make a worthy successor to Domokun.

Links to episode synopses (in incoherent 'translated' german) and screen-captures.
Bernd das brot Google search.

From "Hermaphroditus F. Castro"
"Pllease be aware that this meessage was noot seent to you by thhe owneers or opeeratoors of thhe "adveertised Site". We are an indepeendent conttractoor adverrtising thhe "Site", and we are noot assoociated, in any way, with thhe owneers or opeeratorrs of thhe "adverrtisedd Site"."


Just be yourself
Dong Resin has some advice for post-yelping-incident Howard Dean:
Dean, you lean into the crazy skid and you'll lose most or all of the mainstream voters... rougly 9.7 percent of the population.

Fuck them!

Tap the rich, rich vein of screw-up; a vast, politically untapped resource... The Blank Generation. Guys who made fred durst happen. Guys who replaced the polar bears on the fucking discovery channel with stupid-ass motorcycle shows. Clinton won by appealing to the kids, you're gonna win by appealing to The wheezing, sugar-bombed WWE-loving silent majority that just festers for a grown-up with no impulse control to speak for them.


I am somebody
I got my first Nigerian 419-scam spam e-mail! It's all in caps and goes great with the Viagra spam from "Holstein B. Snuffles".
I AM ROBERT EZIKIEL DIRECTOR IN CHARGE OF AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING SECTION OF BIA BANQUE LOME ANNEX IN WEST AFRICA. WITH DUE RESPECT AND REGARDS,I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE VERY BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US AT THE END OF THE TRANSACTION.

DURING OUR INVESTIGATION AND AUDTING IN THIS BANK,MY DEPARTMENT CAME ACROSS A VERY HUGE SUM OF MONEY BELONGING TO A DECEASED COSTOMER OF THIS BANK (Effat Mansour,Irvine California)WITH ACCOUNT NUMBER ECO/ 00144986-00. WHO DIED IN THE PLANE CRASH OF 31/10/1999 [WITH EGYPTIAN AIRLINE 990]WITH OTHER PASSENGERS ABOARD


Don't know whether to laugh or cry

george in a box
George in a box
Via Bifurcated Rivets

Play that funky music
One day, while at a yard sale, he stumbled across a box of 8-track tapes and an old player. He bought the whole batch and began listening with an open mind. Although everything was 70s pop, he found it a relief not to have a vested interest in the stuff. Or so he thought: for in the box was a mud-caked 8-track of Led Zeppelin IV. Upon popping it into the player, his avant ears reveled in the sound of the machine devouring the tape, pushing and pulling Robert Plant's voice to sound more like sound poetry than classic rock. He grabbed an old cassette player and proceeded to tape the entire run of the 8-track.

The result was the first step toward reviving the Generator label and is now available as a CD called 8-Track Magic:60 glorious minutes of mangling; "Black Dog" lasts an unbearable 28 minutes, heaving and warping, kicking and screaming into the 8-track abyss.
Link
Via Bifurcated Rivets

What do you want on your tombstone?
Recently it has come to my attention that, while there are thirty-two (32) different religious symbols allowed on veterans' headstones, mine will have to remain bare. If members of religious organizations with as few members in the US military as The Aaronic Order, The Native American Church, Baha'i, Konko-Kyo, Sufism, Tenrikyo, Seicho-no-ie, The Church of World Messianity, the Moravian Church and Enkankar are entitled to religious, why, may I ask, are not Wiccans entitled to our religious symbol, the Pentagram?
Pagan Headstone Campaign
Via Baloney.com

America as a One-Party State
We are at risk of becoming an autocracy in three key respects. First, Republican parliamentary gimmickry has emasculated legislative opposition in the House of Representatives (the Senate has other problems). House Majority Leader Tom DeLay of Texas has both intimidated moderate Republicans and reduced the minority party to window dressing, rather like the token opposition parties in Mexico during the six-decade dominance of the PRI.

Second, electoral rules have been rigged to make it increasingly difficult for the incumbent party to be ejected by the voters, absent a Depression-scale disaster, Watergate-class scandal or Teddy Roosevelt-style ruling party split. After two decades of bipartisan collusion in the creation of safe House seats, there are now perhaps just 25 truly contestable House seats in any given election year (and that's before the recent Republican super gerrymandering). What once was a slender and precarious majority -- 229 Republicans to 205 Democrats (including Bernie Sanders of Vermont, an independent who votes with Democrats) -- now looks like a Republican lock. In the Senate, the dynamics are different but equally daunting for Democrats. As the Florida debacle of 2000 showed, the Republicans are also able to hold down the number of opposition votes, with complicity from Republican courts. Reform legislation, the 2002 Help America Vote Act (HAVA), may actually facilitate Republican intimidation of minority voters and reduce Democratic turnout. And the latest money-and-politics regime, nominally a reform, may give the right more of a financial advantage than ever.

Third, the federal courts, which have slowed some executive-branch efforts to destroy liberties, will be a complete rubber stamp if the right wins one more presidential election.

Taken together, these several forces could well enable the Republicans to become the permanent party of autocratic government for at least a generation.
Frighteningly detailed
Link
Thanks to the Big Mobodaddy

Bring it on
A coalition of public interest organizations sent a letter today to the U.S. Department of Justice calling for the appointment of a special prosecutor to investigate potential criminal actions involving U. S. Attorney General John D. Ashcroft, his 2000 Senate campaign committee and his leadership PAC. The letter, based on newly-released documents from the Federal Election Commission (FEC), outlines evidence that Attorney General Ashcroft knowingly accepted, during his 2000 Senate re-election campaign, a fundraising mailing list, developed at a cost of $1.7 million, constituting an illegal, excessive contribution of at least $255,000, in direct violation of federal campaign finance law. The letter also charges that Mr. Ashcroft and his political committees engaged in a criminal conspiracy to cover up the illegal contribution.

According to FEC documents, Mr. Ashcroft claims that he - and not his leadership PAC - owns the fundraising list. The public interest groups' letter argues that if Mr. Ashcroft's claims are true, then Mr. Ashcroft has violated federal law by failing to disclose the fundraising list as an asset on his U.S. Senate financial disclosure forms and that there is probable cause to suspect that Mr. Ashcroft may have engaged in tax evasion, by failing to report income earned from the asset on his income tax filings before the Internal Revenue Service.
Link
Via DangerousMeta!

I love it when you talk dirty
"Bitten R. Serge" sent the following spam/poem with the subject "danger instinct bistipular erept dolphin fly cattish"-

cathodoluminescent albuginea carabinero aortism farseeing chronicity calcavella buckboard's castor pomace dendraxon butter boat brachycephal cursers beamiest antisyphon's unexpired . wooton birchism formulation dollar bill bush trefoil fiery-bright flaff amplexicaul cheetie bonsoir alohas barricade cheechako audiogram's eighty-eighth wahle. bread wheat chameleonize unlock cecils desperadoism clipsheet apiarian dilacerate acushla enzygotic castice articulated lorry cyanurate absence state firstchop erectable doublewords camp bradypodoid anthos epic besprinkling. beflounce excreted arthrosia cupidities anda oil. balancing ways bioprecipitation beeherd frostier daybooks buckhorn plantain exotically evaporator downfolded contemporized entrancingly. drainless dermabrasion. wagered freity crappiness. flapperdom beefiest exameter emulgence biograph conjuror fairy cap daguerreotype's cuproso daggled coronership vipperman antiserum dinner call barefingered. deformism free gold adnexed volatility engrosses deploration furacious dareful autocomplexes cerianthid abdicator wallow compensating. bipinnatisect dihybridism carle flax straw box frame coexisted vetiveria chemicalises finfold theory crematoriria.

WTF?
After Auletta observed an Oval Office interview Bush gave to a British tabloid, he spoke with the President about a mutual friend, Tom Bernstein, a former co-owner, with Bush, of the Texas Rangers. Bernstein, a proponent of human rights, has often been criticized by liberal friends, for supporting the President. "Bernie is great," Bush said, and then added, "No President has ever done more for human rights than I have."
And I'm the Prince of the Elves.
Link

Bush makes my head hurt
Under a new proposal, the White House would decide what and when the public would be told about an outbreak of mad cow disease, an anthrax release, a nuclear plant accident or any other crisis.

The White House Office of Management and Budget is trying to gain final control over release of emergency declarations from the federal agencies responsible for public health, safety and the environment.

The OMB also wants to manage scientific and technical evaluations - known as peer reviews - of all major government rules, plans, proposed regulations and pronouncements.

Currently, each federal agency controls its emergency notifications and peer review of its projects.
Link
Via Metafilter

The Author must have worked in retail
Even at this date in his presidency, after all that has happened, the president's popularity hovers at around 50 percent -- an astonishingly high figure, I believe, given the state of people's lives now as opposed to four years ago.

What can explain his popularity? Can that many people be enamored of what he has accomplished in Iraq? Of how he has fortified our constitutional freedoms with the USA Patriot Act? Of how he has bolstered our economy? Of how he has protected our environment? Perhaps they've been impressed with the president's personal integrity and the articulation of his grand vision for America?

Is that likely?

Granted, there are certain subsections of the American polity that have substantially benefited from this presidency. Millionaires and charismatic Christians have accrued either material or spiritual fortification from Bush's administration. But surely these two groups are a small minority of the population. What, then, can account for so many people being so supportive of the president?

The answer, I'm afraid, is the factor that dare not speak its name. It's the factor that no one talks about. The pollsters don't ask it, the media don't report it, the voters don't discuss it.

I, however, will blare out its name so that at last people can address the issue and perhaps adopt strategies to overcome it.

It's the "Stupid factor," the S factor: Some people -- sometimes through no fault of their own -- are just not very bright.

It's not merely that some people are insufficiently intelligent to grasp the nuances of foreign policy, of constitutional law, of macroeconomics or of the variegated interplay of humans and the environment. These aren't the people I'm referring to. The people I'm referring to cannot understand the phenomenon of cause and effect. They're perplexed by issues comprising more than two sides. They don't have the wherewithal to expand the sources of their information. And above all -- far above all -- they don't think.
Link
Via Follow Me Here

Good Stuff to Start the Year
Utility Fog shoots milk out of it's rhetorical nose at the amusing word stylings of Broog: Alien Film Critic:
The mighty cinematic edifice which is the human Jackson's rendering of Tolkien's classic novel grinds to its imperial conclusion in the third film, "Lord of the Rings: The Fat Jolly Hobbit Saves Middle Earth And Everyone Is Nice To His Whiny Friend". The movie follows the exploits of Sam as he hauls his limp and apparently pointless companion across the dark desolation of Mordor, struggling against hunger, despair, orcs, giant spiders, Gollum, and what must surely be an overpowering desire to slap Frodo until he resembles a hubcap.

Elsewhere in Middle Earth, the others of the Fellowship battle for their lives against the armies of evil, led by Gandalf and a female voice choir. Broog was delighted with the sheer quantity of violence, the flattened horses, and the huge battering ram shaped like Wile E. Coyote.
Via Metafilter

Don't ask, but it involved tequila
The Official website for Blood Orgy of the Psycho Cheerleaders ...
As opposed to the myriad 'unofficial' sites.